today i miss everyone i have ever known.
the taste of joy is almost gone now
and no matter what i do, my heart cries out for less.
you would think i’d dry out from all my rain
but nothing keeps me alive quite like sadness.
it’s too much, it’s just all too much
the agony of nothingness, the twists and turns,
living when you shouldn’t or knowing too soon;
inconvenient sleep and a really long pause.
i am leaping backwards into space,
into what i left behind,
into what created me.
impossible to be happy
at least like how it once was.
everything is pretending, i am no different.
showing them just enough so nothing goes wrong.
“don’t despair, there is still goodness left.”
and as i listen to your lovely smile i realize
i have no more faith in what i cannot see.
all i want right now is for everything to change.
i remove my skin. the day starts over.
i am still here for now.
“for a long time, and this was something that i wasn’t really conscious of, i was just really determined to present a version of myself that was invulnerable and impenetrable to criticism — which is impossible. it’s unsustainable. for a long time i thought that i was being honest and i thought i was being vulnerable but my ideas about how to do that have refined more. i really think that i’m less vain, or something, at this point in my life. i’m just kind of finally being honest that i’ve always kind of enjoyed scaring people and making people uncomfortable or making people consider realities that are messy.”
josh tillman, i love you.
old but wonderful interview here.
i have a spring solo show coming up. painting like crazy until then. details to come…
attempting to grow flowers on my windowsill, and to sketch my surroundings more consistently. observation and progress are my goals for this year.
in other news, i have THE MOST amazing boyfriend of all time. serious.
eat good food, take advantage of the daylight, tell everyone you love that they matter, listen to new music whenever you can. life’s too short. you deserve to be happy, rested, and warm.